👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
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The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Feels
rest in peas
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.