👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
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How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.