Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never related to a cat more

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria