Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Seals are just dog mermaids.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

…u ok Nintendo?

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes