Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?