Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts