👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️
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If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from MĂĽnchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.