👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡