👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
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[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.