👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
You Might Also Like
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
wow
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain