👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
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*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Teach your children to beatbox
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
