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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.