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Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
