Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now