👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
WTF IS THAT!
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Probably my best painting.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
