Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.