You Might Also Like
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
the #horror is real!
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service