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*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
This kinda thing happens to me often
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember