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This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I’ve disappointed better people.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
No regrets in 2018
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
#ParentingFacts
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.