馃拃馃拃馃拃馃拃
You Might Also Like
#ParentingFacts
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
How to wake up a Beagle
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564尾 before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Please define the logic when someone says you鈥檙e too much?
Too much what?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me: I feel like I鈥檓 wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I鈥檝e beaten her 24 times in a row.