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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Doug is just Canadian for dog
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.