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Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.