ππππ
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I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix itβ¦
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: Iβm not sure.
βSo what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?β
βThe usual, self defecating.β
βHa, I think you mean deprecating.β
βThink all you like.β
I donβt have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and itβs the same thing.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blueβ¦
Them: Iβm going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: so Iβm delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and youβre a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: youβre delusional.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
That dress was wearable way before your βcamiβ intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
9am: βRight, thatβs my sandwich made ready for lunchtimeβ
9.05am: βRight, thatβs that sandwich eatenβ
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I Canβt Tonightβ¦
Just heard my son say to his friend βyouβre probably dumber than your own controllerβ β what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Iβve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
βGenetically modified food is very much safe for human consumptionβ the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesnβt dispense anything, Iβm still running my hands together. ππΌ
Judge, βWhy are you holding a fire extinguisher?β
Me, βYour Honor, itβs for our protection. The witness wonβt stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.β
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. Thatβs so obvious.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
Me: [print]
Printer: Youβre low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: Youβre low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (Thatβs the name of the Japanese flag) π
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: hereβs choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesnβt wake me, Iβm definitely dead.