💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
You Might Also Like
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.