💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
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This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”