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On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.