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I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Who knew!
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?