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“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.