馃拃馃槶
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WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That鈥檚 not what I meant by evening wear.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.