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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I feel this so hard
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.