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Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
me and my fake scenarios
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.