馃拃 馃槶
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*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I should鈥檝e known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn鈥檛 go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
[times square new year鈥檚 eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
I鈥檝e licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
if you do what you love you鈥檒l never work a day in your life because you鈥檒l be unemployed
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.