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Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
“i miss shittin on people”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)