💀 😭
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Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
dril cadence
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.