💀 😭
You Might Also Like
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.