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I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die