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Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.