💀
You Might Also Like
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.