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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Spring of Deception
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.