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Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords