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When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Boating season is upon us.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Sing it!
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek