Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

If you breakdance you buy dance.

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol