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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
“A little help here, Danny?”
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Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.