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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
I wish I could veto my bills.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.