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Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
PARKOUR
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.