💯😂
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[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Cardio Made Easy
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
real
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then