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[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?