💻🤡
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Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*