Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.