Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?