🔥🔥
You Might Also Like
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.