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Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses