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*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.