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[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?