馃枙馃徎馃懡
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1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can鈥檛 read.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I鈥檓 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn鈥檛 feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn鈥檛 feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn鈥檛 feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I鈥檝e never related to anyone more than that baby
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Unknown people: you aren鈥檛 weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Don鈥檛 date a Canadian woman unless you鈥檙e willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It鈥檚 a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It鈥檚 too early in the day to hate you this much.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I鈥檓 a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.