ππ»π½
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SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
How does someone manage that π€¨
we’re gonna need another temp
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
3 years into a relationship and you get a text βi need spaceβ loooool lets sell some furniture then
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
βPlease bear with meβ and βplease bare with meβ are two very different requests
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to βthrillβ them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: Butβ¦butβ¦
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with βI woke up this morning.β
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”