🖕🏻👽
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[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.