π€βπ½
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With children itβs important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her sheβs like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.βYOUβRE LIKE FINE WINE IβD LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL IβM READY TO ENJOY YOUβ
BRAIN: Excellent.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFiβ¦from her porch.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
god (creating me): hereβs the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess iβll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
βCan you explain this gap in your resume?β
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I believe this with my whole heart ππͺ¦
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I canβt even understand the direct ones.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.