🖤✌🏽
You Might Also Like
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I don’t hate children, just yours.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
never stops being funny
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.