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There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.