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How about a bird that ruins people鈥檚 lives
-God creating roosters
lowe鈥檚 manager: so鈥ou want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm鈥ow about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
PRIEST: god knows how you鈥檙e behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn鈥檛 listening): and also with you
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I鈥檓 so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
men鈥檚 fashion peaked in 1838
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can鈥檛, it鈥檒l kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can鈥檛, it鈥檒l wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it馃槶馃槶馃槶