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@ candidates for local office
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
🙋♀️
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.