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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earthās water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THATāS WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? IāLL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Saying āmy body is a templeā is for people with money. When youāre poor, your body is a car. Like no itās not supposed to be making that noise.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
yāall, my friend whoās a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like āUbers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost itās cheaper.ā so thatās just a bus congratulations you invented buses
The doctor said to treat my daughterās scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized nowā¦.
Flirting is easy!
āIāll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitterā (How Iād die in a horror movie)
āWtf itās been 3 hoursā
ā me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: Iām totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
If I storm out of a room, thereās a 50% chance Iāll trip over something on my way out.
Chess is my favourite game but I donāt play favourites
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. Iām coming
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, Iām sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, Iām sending all the toys, too.
Apparently Mr. Neesonās āparticular set of skillsā is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no Iām just looking at it for a second
Netflix: Iāll put it on
Me: Iām just literally reading what it is
Netflix: Itās playing š
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Me: Whoās a good boy? WHOāS A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
no, YOUāRE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
when youāre jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask āwhat you know about this?ā
me:
Date: Iām excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute Iāll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpetā¦all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
11,780 cans of beans on the wallā¦