Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Just organising my finances.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation