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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
So the ex texted me
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am