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I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.