You Might Also Like
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.