You Might Also Like
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone