Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.