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still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up