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Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight