ππββ¬
You Might Also Like
God has abandoned us.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Howβs your Saturday going?
Iβll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We donβt have a dog.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, itβs about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said βI thought that was for decorationβ
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
i dont have time for this
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didnβt t-
ME: I twerked.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but hereβs a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and Iβm on the way to a fabulous day.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.