😂🐈⬛
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When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
British websites use biscuits.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.