ππββ¬
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[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
i donβt delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[on a first date]
Her: I donβt like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
1996: Why do they call the internet βthe webβ
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Iβm guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
Iβm quitting modelling, I need more job security so Iβm going to become a princess.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: itβs objections to the marriage, specifically
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”