😂🐈⬛
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When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
🙂🐾
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
You sure about that?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley