😂🐈⬛
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Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it