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Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My inexpensive home security system…
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans