Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

Just ordered me some pizza!

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.