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Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
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Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.