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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.