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Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose